a psalm
from the downtrodden
the out of luck
the forgotten
the quitters
the weirdos
the losers
the lost

a psalm from you

Aisha’s Psalm

Where were you, God, when I needed you?

It was a Monday morning. We had saved up our money, me and my girlfriends. For the money, we had rented a donkey and cart – then we left the refugee camp to gather firewood. Maybe we could sell it and buy food for our families. We had walked for about an hour – just as we began to collect wood, we were suddenly surrounded by 10 Arabs on camels. They shouted insults and shot their rifles in the air. The other girls attempted to flee, but I did not even try, because I was seven months pregnant. Four men stayed and started beating me with sticks while the other janjaweed chased the rest of our group. They quickly caught them. Then they beat us and killed our donkey. Four of the men took turns raping me.

During that time, all I could think was, Help Me God! Make them stop, God! Don’t let them hurt the baby, God! I cried and I prayed and I shouted inside – but there was no stopping. Again and again they raped me. Where were you God?

They stripped us naked and jeered at us when we fled.

Li Yi’s Psalm

That morning, I walked to my school, Miaoba Middle School, like any other morning. Mum had packed my lunch. At school, we first sang the national anthem and then did our aerobics in the schoolyard. Then we went inside. It was during maths class when we felt the earth shake – and immediately, the roof caved in and buried me and all the children in my class. Boys and girls next to me were hit on the head by big boulders and beams. An iron beam from the ceiling pinned me down to the ground and squashed my leg. The pain was so big! For a while the noise was loud – rumbling and cries of pain. Then it became very quiet. I could not move. My leg was very painful. I prayed inside and said:

Take me out, God, help me, help me! Why did the school have to fall on all the children! Why am I trapped? Help me, God, take me out, let me live! Are you there, God?

Ayaz’ Psalm

At first, Mahmoud and I were just friends. We were in the same class here in Mashhad, and our birthdays were in the same month, so we always celebrated together. When we turned 16, Mahmoud’s father slaughtered a lamb and there were many people who came to celebrate. You are now men, they said. Somebody even brought some wine – it is illegal here in Iran, but people always have it. We each had a zip, then Mahmoud said, let’s go to the shed. It was nice to get away from all the aunties and uncles, and our girl cousins. We had secretly taken some of the wine, and sat in the shed drinking some, talking about the future and what it means to be men now. I don’t know who touched whom first, but when I felt Mahmoud, it felt right. Natural. I realized that this was what I wanted. But suddenly the door burst open and men were standing outside. One of them I recognized as Mahmoud’s uncle. They cursed us and called us sinners and beat us and had us arrested by the police.

The next year was living hell. Every day they beat us – 228 lashes in total - , and they accused us of terrible things. First they said we stole something, then it was drinking and disturbing the peace. Later they said we raped a 13 year old boy. We didn’t! We were just in the shed!

It was terrible. I just wanted to get out, wanted to see Mahmoud, wanted to hug my mum. Every night I prayed, Please, Please, God, take me out of here. Please God, I cannot take the beatings anymore! Where are you, God? Can you hear me? I need you!

The verdict was confirmed and on July 19 I saw Mahmoud again – for a brief moment, before we stood on the lorry, with the hangman’s noose around our necks. I was so scared. But I did not pray anymore.

Rita’s psalm

I am Rita. I was born a man. But I am living as a woman. A very big woman, some say. I love life and people – you can see me party every week here in Boston. It doesn’t matter if the place is gay (like Jacques’ Club) or straight (like Allston’s Model Café), I am at home everywhere. It’s just people, you know. Once they know you, and understand you, they will accept you. I am happy to bridge the divide between the two cultures. I am. – well, I was.

Last November 28th, a Saturday, I bumped into Micky – an old acquaintance of mine. I hadn’t seen him for years, but I remember how he flirted with me every time we met at the club. He was already a bit tipsy, even though it was only late afternoon, and asked me if he could crash at my place – his wife had thrown him out. I felt sorry for him, and took him home.

I am not quite sure what happened next. I remember taking off my dress, Micky was in the kitchen fixing himself a drink, when I felt a short, sharp pain in my back, several times. I fell, and managed to turn around – and I saw Micky standing there with a knife in his hand. He ran out of the door, and I remember thinking:

Please God, send somebody. Help me before it’s too late. Let the neighbours hear him. But nothing. Nobody. Finally the police arrived – but it was too late.

Aaron’s Psalm

Life as a student is not easy, you know. There is a lot of pressure, especially these days when everybody wants to become an investment banker. I study so hard, cram in the library until late, then pray hard before exams but sometimes it’s only a B-. Again. My dad is disappointed. I myself am disappointed.

I think life would be better if I had a boyfriend. Ever since I realized that I was gay, with 15, I have been looking for a boyfriend. Eight years spent searching. I tried everything: I tried fridae.com. Met up with a few guys who sent me hearts – but turned out they only wanted sex. Been to Towel club a few times; met this really nice guy there, but after the sex, when I wanted to talk, he said he had to go. And the number he gave me wasn’t working. At school, the other gays are so girl – which is ok, but not for me. In my cellgroup almost everybody’s coupled up – and the ones that are still single are more SPGs.

I tried praying. In fact, I have prayed for a boyfriend for years and years. But nothing.
Are you there God? Are you listening? Don’t you want me to be happy? Does your silence mean there is something wrong with me? Sometimes I begin to wonder whether God really exists. Others tell me stories how they have experienced him, but for me – he just doesn’t seem to be there for me.

David’s Psalm

Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

How long God?
Where are you God?
Are you there God?
Are you listening?

I am
We are
All over the world
Thousands of people are calling you God
Reaching out to you Lord
Shouting out their need for help
(Song: Shout to the Lord, cut after 28 sec))

We shout
You hear us
And you send your messenger
(Song: There must be an angel, fade after 1:11)

David’s Psalm (II)

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

Aisha’s Psalm (II)

We stumbled back towards the camp – naked and bleeding. We were all crying – from the pain, the shame and the shame that awaited us. Then we saw some men coming towards us – we were blinded by the sun and could not quite make out who they were. We wanted to run but we felt too weak. They came closer and we saw they were men from the refugee camp. They unraveled their turbans and gave us the cloth so we could cover ourselves. They took us back to the camp and to the international aid compound where we were given anti-pregnancy and anti-HIV pills. They also gave me a check-up and told me that my baby was ok. I have since given birth and called him Osman.

Li Yi’s Psalm (II)

For many hours I lay and cried and prayed and shouted for help and slept. Finally I heard people coming closer, digging their way through the rubble. Hello? They called out. Is anybody there?

Here, here, I shouted, and then they found me and took care of me and got me out. They had to take off my crushed leg, but it’s ok. At least I am alive.

Ayaz’ Psalm (II)

The last thing I saw before they blindfolded me were the eyes of Mahmoud. Then the lorry drove away, I fell forward and everything turned black.
Then
Did I wake up
Or am I dreaming
The light so bright
And my hand
Someone’s holding my hand
It feels warm and safe
Mahmoud – is that you?

Rita’s Psalm (II)

Fully woman
And fully man
In this place where gender does not exist
I have been made whole
No more pain
No more ridicule
No more judgement

Aaron’s Psalm (II)

I’ve been thinking. There are worse things than being single. People starve. They suffer. They are being killed. And here I am, in cosy Singapore, desperately looking for Mr Right. I am so blessed. With my family – yes they nag and they question me (especially during new year) but they love me. Feed me. Pay for my education. And I love them too. My cell group. We’re having so much fun, but more importantly – I can tell them everything. All my doubts about God, my questions, my cries for help. We call them prayer requests, but really they are cries for help. Advice. Understanding.

And…ok, I met somebody. A friend of a friend. At a birthday party. Very cute, a student too. We’ll go and watch ‘sex and the city’ together next week. Let’s see how it goes. I’ll take it slow this time,. Don’t expect too much. Time will tell. (yay!)

We all face troubles in our lives – small ones, big ones, sometimes catastrophic ones. And we shout to the Lord. And the Lord doesn’t seem to listen.
We wonder if he has forgotten about us. Whether he even exists. We see bad people succeed and we don’t understand the world any more.
It looks like we’re all alone.
And then, when we think we’re surrounded by darkness, there, a glimmer of light. A small flame of hope.
God touches our life. In His time. And in unexpected ways.
But he hasn’t forgotten about us. His promise still stands. He reaches out to us, he touches our life – often through the hands of an Angel.
People are God’s Angels.
They are his hands of healing, of comfort, of support. Our friends, our cellgroup members, strangers – they can all be angels, doing God’s work in this world.
Making sure that everybody knows that God has not forgotten a single one.

Song: Angels hidden wings (Jason and de Marco)

As I looked into the crying eyes of a man before me
The deepness of his pain filled my heart
I saw a child searching, trying to find his way through the dark
Somehow the path had led him to this place and to this time
Not sure of how he'd gotten here he was hoping for a sign
As I looked at him more closely
I saw a light begin to shine in his eyes
This was an angel who had learned to hide his wings
The hope of a new world, told he'd never do anything
His heart though broken dreams long gone
He was trying to find his own song to sing
He was trying to find his own song to sing
So many people in this world are somehow feeling lost
Somewhere someone told them: in their life there’d be a cross
Is it all a puzzle or is there a truth to find?
What is right and what is wrong depends who is looking on
One may see a gain while another sees a loss
It's never all that easy, In this circle of life we’re all taking part
We're all angels who have learned to hide our wings
The hope of a new world told we'll never do anything
Our heart's though broken dreams long gone
We're all trying to find our own song to sing
We're all trying to find our own song to sing
Bridges of light are burning, Uniting so many lives
A river of love is flowing
The answer to so many cries, The wings we hold unfolding
It's time we learn how to fly
We're all angels who no longer hide our wings
The hope of a new world together we all can do anything
Our heart's unbroken dreams begun
We’re all finding this is our song to sing
We’ve just begun to find it’s our song to sing