Where can we find an abused woman?

Where we find victims of –

Domestic violence
Wife-beating
Rape
Marital rape
Date rape
Incest
Unwanted sexual advances
Sexual threats and intimidation
Sexual harassment
Sexual assault and violence
Acid attacks
Honour killings
Foot-binding
Sati – widow burning
Polygamy
Genital mutilation
Prostitution
Sex tourism
Sex trafficking
Comfort women
Child brides
Child widows
Child sexual abuse
Forced marriages
Female infanticide
Female poverty & unemployment
Dangerous & unsanitary abortions
Maid abuse
Economic abuse
Verbal abuse
Emotional abuse
Psychological abuse

Why the fuss about violence against women? Why focus on women? What about violence against men? Against children? The focus on women is because of the overwhelming high rates of violence against women, usually committed by men. Because women are vulnerable to violence often simply because of their gender. And because for abused women, violence is the context of the lives rather than separate episodes. Violence against men tends to be episodic -- in brawls or fights, in professional sport, at football matches, in prison, in the army. For women it pervades their everyday lives – it shapes our decisions about what jobs we take, what hours to work, where we frequent for a night out, whom we spend time with, how we relate to our family, whether and where we travel, or jog or walk ... it is the context of our lives.

What is also extremely sad is that reported violence against women in Asian societies, show that Asian women are twice as likely to die at the hands of their partners or another intimate family member, than as a result of violence from strangers.

We are all too familiar with the roots of violence against women – a patriarchal society since way back in our history, of male dominance and female subordination, of gender inequality, of unequal power relationships – all root causes of violence against women. In many parts of the world, women are still second-class citizens – men eat first, men are educated first, men get paid more, and men make decisions -- for women. And the thing is many women just accept this and their subordinate roles because they have no choice.

As Christians we also know where women’s inferiority to men comes from. Genesis’ creation stories leave no doubt that women are second to men, not only that, she disobeyed and was rightly punished by God. And as one feminist theologian said, if God is male, then males are God. We often do not realize how male-centered language and liturgy shapes our understanding, not only expressing what we believe but tells us what we ought to believe, how we ought to act, it is a powerful shaper of human consciousness. So the Adam & Eve story could have laid the foundation for male dominance and the subsequent abuse of women.

Impacting Asian women in addition are cultural notions of honour & shame, virginity and sexual purity, notions often used in justifying violence against them. And notions that lead women to keep silent for years about abuse, not reporting rapes, staying in marriages in which they are battered, for fear of bringing shame and embarrassment to their families. Some even believing they are the cause of their own suffering. Perhaps paying for a past sin. And they are resigned -- this is God’s will for me, my fate, my destiny, my cross to bear – making abuse seem not only acceptable but even divinely sanctioned!

So the way I see it, religion, in many women’s lives, has been a force, if not the primary force in shaping our acceptance of abuse. And as such has sustained violence against women. Are you surprised? Islam is interpreted in ways that justify women’s inequality. Women’s subordinate status is evident not only in the Islamic faith, but also within Buddhist culture, and in Hindu & Sikh ideologies. Just look at what happens to women in the poorer strata of societies in Bangladesh & India, Myanmar, Cambodia, Indonesia, even Malaysia, and the Philippines.

What about Christianity? What does the abused women hear when she turns to the scriptures? She is reminded of the Christian ideals of sacrificial love, acceptance of suffering, humility, meekness, turning the other cheek, forgiveness – modeled by Jesus himself who gave his life for us, who died for our sins.

Listen to the Word of God --

Col 3:12-13
As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Eph 5:22-23
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church.

1 Pet 3:17
For it is better to suffer for doing good, if suffering should be God’s will, than to suffer for doing evil.

1 Pet 2:19-21
For it is a credit to you if, being aware of God, you endure pain while suffering unjustly. If you endure when you are beaten for doing wrong, what credit is that? But if you endure when you do right and suffer for it, you have God’s approval. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you should follow in his steps.

Rom 12:12-14
Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer … bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

Matt 18:21-22
Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.”

Eph 4:31-32
Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.

Not only are victims called to endure, the perpetrator of violence is often too easily forgiven. All he needs to do is repent and pray to God for forgiveness, which is usually immediately granted. It is not crucial to ask forgiveness from his victim, nor be held accountable in the church or larger community. How can you be right with God if you are not right with the world?

No matter how we look at it, our faith along its the theories of sacrifice, atonement & redemption encourages martyrdom and endurance of suffering as a prelude to new life. How many times have you heard these words of consolation – “Be patient, God has a purpose for you. Something good will come out of this. God sends suffering to help us grow, to test our faith. The result will be a stronger faith in God. (That is if we survive the suffering without becoming bitter!) How else can we make sense of senseless suffering? Whether or not it is God who sends suffering, things happen in our lives for many different reasons. But there’s a difference between voluntary suffering and involuntary suffering. I can choose to suffer the pains of withdrawal in order to kick my drug habit. But what is the greater good achieved by someone involuntarily receiving sexual abuse?

In the 20th century however, Christian theology has shifted to a “Suffering God” concept. God experiences, feels, knows and suffers with us.

As in my mother’s painting of violence against women, she shows an abused maid, a battered woman and the descent of tears from heaven, God weeping with us as we weep. But that really doesn’t solve the problem does it? Patiently endure knowing God suffers with me. Sure, it calls us perhaps to suffer with each other, bear each others’ burdens, but it does not take the burden away, does it? It does not offer liberation for those who suffer.

In addition, this sort of thinking does not give space to question or challenge abuse or violence, to feel anger, or to act to change circumstances. The victim remains powerless and victimized albeit comforted in her suffering. But there certainly is no abundance of life in store. Many find no reprieve and end up taking their lives, suicide by leaping from flats such as those in the background of the painting.

If we believe the Bible frees rather than enslaves, heals rather than wounds, empowers rather than destroys, then the fault lies with us, the interpreters of the Bible and not the biblical text.

So if we take it a step further – being able to see another’s pain as our pain, we should then be moved to cross the barrier which separates the oppressor from the oppressed, rich from poor, black from white, gay from straight, moved to help address the injustices, to help build a new community, a new world, a new heaven and earth – that to me is redemption and salvation! That, to me, is why Jesus died. It is not his willingness to sacrifice himself that saves us, it is his radical love of justice and his refusal to give up his commitment to it even in the face of death that saves us! His whole life he fought the evils of oppression, discrimination, abuse and injustice. It is not that he chose suffering or chose death. It is that he refused to give up respect, concern, love and justice for all. He refused to give up experiencing, feeling, connecting and being affected by all of life. It is not suffering or death that gives life, it is commitment to life that gives life!

Take how Jesus responded when the scribes brought an adulteress woman before him. The Law of Moses says an adulteress has to be put to death. The Law of Moses also says both the man and the woman have to be put to death, but the male adulterer is missing from this episode (and that’s for another story!) The point here is Jesus did not initiate the stoning or condemn the woman but instead restored her self-worth and dignity. Affirmed her and set her free to live life.

There are many in the Church who do not stand up to the many injustices in society, and this has allowed sexual abuse and violence to continue. I believe this is largely due to the Church’s stand on sexual matters & sexuality – they look at it in terms of purity (pure only within marriage), in terms of chastity (saving oneself for marriage). There’s much talk about abstinence and celibacy, about not having sex, but next to nothing about sexual abuse and its avoidance. They are more concerned about the question of the right organ in the right orifice with the right person, than they are with the question of right relationship, of the quality of the relationship, of choice and consent, of sexual well-being and wholeness.

I can sense all you gay men feeling pretty good about yourselves right about now. “I would never lay a hand on any woman”, you say. Well, whether or not you do, all men share in the privilege of patriarchal power that perpetuates abuse against women, if only by your in-action or by your silence. You are a silent perpetrator. But you should care because it is women, feminist women in particular, that are your allies in the movement, not just to end violence against women but also abuse against children, and other men. They are your allies in fighting many injustices we face – gender inequality, heterosexism, homophobia, racism, discrimination, AIDs.

Take AWARE – their vision is Gender Equality for All, their mission is to “promote a society that provides optimal opportunities for women, and men, to realise their highest potential”.

To this end their activities include the White Ribbon Campaign, run by the Male Chapter of AWARE. Its aim is to encourage reflection and discussion on issues that would lead to personal and collective actions among men. It encourages men to do educational work in schools, workplaces and communities, to support local women's groups, to raise money for the international educational efforts of the WRC. Last year their theme was “Real Men Don’t Hurt!” to convey the message that men need not resort to violence to gain control.

Many of you may still be thinking, what’s all this got to do with the gay and lesbian community? Well, there is no reason to assume gay people are less violent than straight men or women. Neither size nor weight nor butchness nor femmeness nor queenieness nor role is an indicator of whether or not a person is a perpetrator or victim. And sexual violence cannot be dismissed as sexual behaviour, say an S&M relationship – sexual violence is abuse, manipulation and control, and victims certainly do not enjoy the pain they experience. And if you think it is easier for a gay person to leave an abusive relationship than it is a married heterosexual, you may be wrong. Gay couples are just as involved in each other’s lives and possibly more so as many are alienated from their own families.

Let me end by saying that the call for ending male violence against women is not about condemning men but rather to call men, and women alike, to accountability, to reflection and to action. That men and women collaborate to create new patterns of shared power -- in the family, in the church, in the mosque, and throughout society.

What can we do? What must we do?

Fight against gender inequality
Fight against patriarchal attitudes

Refuse to accept injustices we come across
Chip away at oppressive attitudes

Speak up in unexpected places
Speak boldly when no one speaks up

Stand with those who are trapped
Support their journeys to safety and healing

Confront perpetrators of violence and abuse
Do not forgive them so quickly, its cheap grace that doesn’t allow abusers to experience confession & repentance, reporting them stops further harm and moves abusers towards rehabilitation

Ask the right questions, of our faith, of our beliefs, and
Be not afraid to answer the questions ourselves,
not just with words, but with our lives

Affirm every person’s rightful claim to life, safety, health, human dignity, justice, freedom, education, … every person’s rightful claim to the whole loaf of well-being and life!

And in particular women who unable to ask for the whole loaf, and who are forced to couch their claim in terms of leftovers. One of the most daring women in the Gospels begs Jesus for healing for her daughter. Refusing to take no for an answer, she challenges Jesus. Jesus accepts her retort that even dogs under the table get the crumbs, and heals her daughter. She asked for crumbs. She was given a loaf.

Let us now turn to the Lord’s Table for nourishment and strength for all survivors of violence. As Jesus offers them, and us, bread not stones; nourishment not pain.