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As the speaker is not fully out to his relatives, friends and work place , the speaker wishes only
to be known as Lawrence from FCC Zion and seeks his audience’s kind understanding and
cooperation in not divulging details of his name, age, occupation, appearance etc.
The speaker prays and hopes that the sharing of his life and struggles may somehow be of help
to those who have similar struggles in their lives and that his sharing may act as a testimony to
God’s amazing grace and mercy.
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John 9:1-7
1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned,
this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of
God might be displayed in his life. 4As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent
me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5While I am in the world, I am the light of the
world."
6Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the
man's eyes. 7"Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the
man went and washed, and came home seeing.

A very good morning to one and all. I am Lawrence, from one of FCC’s cell group Zion.
This is not a sermon but a sharing.

And the reason being: I wrote a sermon in the beginning of the week and showed it to my dear
brother Dan. “Are you sure you want to deliver this”, he asked. “This is supposed to be a
sermon and not Bible Study you know?” he added. “The sermon topic is supposed to be ‘For
the very first time’… It’s meant to be sharing of experiences like what Gary said…” bluh bluh
bluh. But like all good friends, he ended by saying, “but I think it is ok lah”.

This set me thinking. Maybe I should not hide behind what I think I am good at; doing BS… BS
as in bible study, not bull shitting. And for the first time, maybe I should try something that I
am not so good at, the sharing of my life. For indeed with sharing of the intimate details of my
life, I risk the one think I fear most, vulnerability. And against better advice from Jamie’s
sermon last week, “your sharing could one day be used against you”, I decided to do so.
I decided to share because I believe I should share. I should share with you my struggles and
my life, with the hope that by relating my struggles, it may somehow become a testimony to
God’s amazing Grace and Love.

I was not born a Christian. By the time I joined my very first church during my NS days, I had
already known my sexual orientation for a number of years. Although the subjects of sex and
sexuality were a Taboo (pun intended) and were never openly discussed, it was obvious that my sexual orientation was very different from the people around me and that it was wrong.
How did I know that it was wrong?

Not only did the society told me that it was wrong; with its frequent reports of honey traps set
by good looking policemen and the media portrayal of all gay men of being either pedophiles,
sexual predators or molesters; my new found faith added to the condemnation, claiming that
AIDS is God’s punishment for gay people, and declaring it Sin with a capital S, that needs to be
repented and changed, else suffer eternal damnation in fiery hell.

I wanted to change, I had to change; failing which, I must then hide.

During my church going days, perhaps the only solace I ever had came from Mathew 5:27-29
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks
at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye
causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your
body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

I used to think to myself. Hallelujah. You will never catch me doing that. I will never look at a
woman lustfully. Hallelujah. And there’s no mention of looking at a man lustfully. Hallelujah.
Praise the Lord.

Of course we all know that’s not true.

On a more serious note, the sense of condemnation and shame grew as I got more serious with my faith and as I got more involved in church. Thinking that serving God would somehow
remove the guilt and shame of onanism and erotic fantasies, I sought to be active in church,
volunteering as usher, getting involved in different ministries and even taking up church
leadership position. However, that only added to the feeling of guilt and shame in that I not
only had to hide my sexuality, I now needed to put on my religious mask.

Condemned with this weakness, or thorn in my flesh, I must continually deny it. Using the
analogy of the feeding of the white and black dog taught by my church, I had to starve the evil,
carnal desire (the black dog) and to feed the white dog, bathing myself in the teachings of God
with unrelenting self control and denial of my orientation.

And because I had to hide this ‘sin’ of mine, I never developed any close friendship in church or
outside of church. Even for the 2 secondary school friends who knew about my sexuality
(either by their ‘gay-dar’, or by the way I behaved) my religious, self righteous, judgmental self
prevented me from getting close to them, or to share with them my innermost struggles.
The fact was that until I am willing to see my sexuality in a different light, all I could do was to
hide and to build as strong a defense wall as I could, so that no one could see my sexuality and no one could come close enough to see the true me.
“The disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’"
I used to ask myself this very question.

Was my sexual orientation sin? Was it as what the Church had taught? That my condition is
due to the fallen nature of man? The sins of Adam, my forefather.
Was it as what many others believe, that it is a choice, my choice, and therefore my choice to
sin?
"’Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the work of
God might be displayed in his life.’”
Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that all these happened so that the work of God might
be displayed in my life?
Are you trying to tell me that in order to display the work of God, I have to endure the constant
teasing of school mates for being soft, weak, si-si and cry baby? To display the God glory, I have to live my life in solitude and shame? And to display the God glory, I had to suffer this self
rejection and poor self esteem?

I used to cry before God saying “Lord, you healed this Blind man didn’t you? So when are you
going to heal me of my sexuality?”
Still fully convinced that my sexuality is a sin and that it can be and should be removed from my
life, I did what I could to rid myself of this demon that had tormented me for many years. At
every chance during worship and alter calls, I would go out to be prayed for, hoping that
somehow God will fill me with His Holy Spirit and change my sexual orientation in an instance. I
was filled and touched by the Holy Spirit many times over, but the change never came.
Learning from the charismatic teaching I received, I resorted to renouncing of every sin I had
and not had; and casting of every demon I knew, but deliverance never came.
At the same time that I was seeking religious help, I tried secular ones too. I went to a shrink,
tried hypnosis, the list goes on… short of subjecting my brain to electric shock, I tried everything I could, but still the change did not come.
Tired from all the struggles, and convinced that God is either unwilling or unable to change my
orientation, and amongst many other reasons, I drifted away from church. I resigned to fate
and to the fact that I have this sexual orientation, that is a sin, and that is to be suppressed and
denied. And I thought I would do so until the day I die.
All these changed in a morning in June 2006.

I was jogging that day; something that I had never done before but thought good to start. After
running for a little more than 30 min, the world around me began to spin and my vision field
started to grow dim. Temporarily, I was blinded I couldn’t see. I broke into cold sweat, I was
shaking uncontrollably, I got breathless and couldn’t breathe. I felt my heart pounding hard
inside of me…
I thought I had a heart attack, or a stroke or sorts and I thought I was going to die. Needless to
say, I didn’t die.

Funny how death or the thought of dying changes everything.
The incident forced me to think about my life. More importantly, it forced me to face my
sexuality. To stop hiding it, to stop hiding from it, to stop ignoring it and to stop denying it.
My good friend Dan, one of the 2 secondary school friends that knew of my sexual orientation,
had been asking me to join him in Living waters, a FCC group led by Miak that deals with
sexuality and faith for the longest time. I didn’t respond, I couldn’t. How could I, if I kept
thinking that my sexuality was a curse and a sin? But since that fateful day, I had to give it a try.

Since then, I had many firsts with Living waters. For the first time, I had the courage to join a
group of gay men. For the first time, I admitted in front of then strangers my sexuality and my
struggles. For the first time, I was challenged to look at my faith in a different light in order to
reconcile my faith with my sexuality.

Perhaps the most important of all my Firsts in FCC happened during the FCC retreat 2006 in
Malacca when I broke down during worship. I had not to church for a very long time and have
forgotten what it feels like to be touched by God. God ministered to me that day. He touched
me as He had done many before, but only more.
For the very first time, I felt I didn’t need to hide my sexuality. For the very first time, I didn’t
need to put on my religious mask. For the very first time, I knew that God loved me, in spite of,
or rather because of my sexuality. For the first time I knew that my sexuality is a Gift from God,
not a curse.
And for the first time, I really understood what it meant when Jesus said in John 4:23 “Yet a
time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit
and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.”
For many years, having suppressed and denied my sexuality, I had only learnt to worship God in spirit and in half truth.

I got one part of the truth right, which was knowing the God whom I worshipped, the creator of the heaven and earth, the heavenly Father whom I must have a personal relationship with. But I have ignored the other part of the truth. Being true to God about my sexuality and being true to myself about my sexuality.

For the first time, I felt at home with who I am during worship. For the first time, I could put off
the mask that I wore for more than 20 years. For the first time, I really understood that my
sexuality is not a Sin, but a gift from God and that I must acknowledge this in order to truly
worship Him in spirit and in truth.

“The disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’"
Jesus may have healed the blind man that day, more than 2 thousand years ago. But what
about the other blind men in Israel that were not healed that day? What about the other blind
men throughout the world and throughout the centuries that were not healed?
Whose sin is it?
Unless and until we learn that we are created perfect in the sight of God and that our sexuality
is not a sin, not a fallen nature, but a gift of God, we will continue to ask the question of whose
sin is it?

I cannot say for the blind, nor can I say for certain for everyone else who is struggling with the
same issue, but I can say with certainty that my sexuality is a gift from God.
If not for my sexuality, I will not be the sensitive person (or so I think) that I am. If not for my
sexuality, I will not have the talents and abilities (again, so I think) that I have. If not for my
sexuality, I would not have struggled with God and would not have come to experience Him in a deeper and more meaningful way.

God made me who I am, including my sexuality.
With my sexuality comes my personality, my talents, my abilities, my experiences and my being.
If not for my sexuality, a gift from God, I cannot be me.

So what am I saying? Have I arrived yet? Do I have all the answers?
Far from it. I have more questions than I have answers. I am still trying to make sense of our
kind of relationship. I am still trying to learn how to form a relationship that last. I am still
trying to understand what it means to be Christian and gay. I am still trying to understand why
it is so hard for FCC to come out with a set of sexual morals or ethics. I am still struggling with
loneliness. And the list goes on.

I have more questions than I have answers.
But this I know. God created you and me in His likeness. God looked at His creation and said
that it is good. God created you and me together with our sexualities, a gift, not a curse. God
loves you and me and I believe He loves us even more because of our struggles with Him.
While running on the treadmill yesterday, I was thinking about Zion, the very first time I was
called to lead a group of gay men. Someone in our group was commenting how different each
one of us are and how clashing our characters are and that it is a miracle that God has kept this group going. Indeed it is a miracle. Stepping into its 3rd year, we, as a group, saw God’s
guidance and providence. As a group, we saw His grace and mercy. As a group, we saw
members ministering to children, old folks, the sick and HIV infected prisoners, fulfilling Christ’s
mission as recorded in Isaiah 61.

As I was running, began to think to myself how all these would never have happened if I didn’t
take that step of faith to go stop denying my sexuality and to attend Living waters. As I was
running, I realized I have never thanked my dear brothers in Zion for being a part of and
enriching my spiritual journey.

It is not often that you see a man running on a treadmill, wiping tears from his eyes and sniffing
away at the same time.
Thankfully no one was there to see.
God is good. God is faithful. God loves you and me because He made us perfect, including our
sexualities, a gift, not a curse.
Let us pray.
“Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the
man's eyes. ‘Go,’ he told him, ‘wash in the Pool of Siloam’ (this word means Sent). So the man
went and washed, and came home seeing.”
Father, Open our eyes that we may see your Grace and Mercy. Open our eyes that we may see
the wonderful goodness that you have given us. Open our eyes that we may see that what you
have given us is a gift, not a curse. Open our eyes that we may see the hurts and pain around us.
Open our eyes that we may see how we can be of service to one another.
Amen.